It may seem odd to start a holiday blog post with the idea of trauma, but as we’re therapists, we like to keep it real and acknowledge that not everyone feels like the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year. Some of you may deal with a history of trauma within your family, and may even feel apprehensive about visiting family during the holiday season. Hopefully this post can offer you some validation, as well as ways to help yourself get through the impending holiday season and not feel like you got decked by the halls.
What is trauma?
Let’s start with what trauma actually is. The American Psychological Association (APA) defines trauma as “Any disturbing experience that results in significant fear, helplessness, dissociation, confusion, or other disruptive feelings intense enough to have a long-lasting negative effect on a person’s attitudes, behavior, and other aspects of functioning.” Sound familiar to anyone? Many people think of trauma as something that only happens to soldiers in battle, or people in major natural disasters. Most of the clients we see at Spotted Rabbit who have the symptoms of PTSD are neither of those. Many times, when a client is told their symptoms match those of PTSD, they are pretty surprised, and are quick to deny that what they went through was “that bad”. But it turns out trauma happens to most of us. According to the World Health Organization, about 70% of people experience trauma, globally.
Childhood Emotional Abuse and Neglect
So how does this connect to the holidays? Well, it turns out that a great deal of trauma comes in the form of adverse childhood experiences. These are often things like experiencing abuse or neglect. Who is doing the abusing and neglecting? Unfortunately, statistics say it’s usually the family. The US Department of Health and Human Services stated that in 2022, 76% of perpetrators were the child’s parents. A lot of people might say something like “but my parents never hit me, and we always had food and a place to live.” That may be so, but oftentimes abuse is emotional, and childhood emotional neglect in particularly is about the emotional connection that didn’t happen. Some examples of phrases that could indicate emotional neglect or abuse are things like: “You’re too sensitive”, “You’re so lazy, why are you like this?”, “You’re so ungrateful, after everything I’ve done for you”, “Why can’t you be more like your sibling?”. That’s just a small list, but do a quick google search and you’ll find many more. If any of you have experienced this type of treatment from your family members, it could explain why many of you aren’t exactly feeling stoked to go visit family around the holidays.
So what should you do if you receive an invite to go visit abusive family members around the holidays (or any other time)? The best answer may be to simply not go. We know that can be difficult, as abusive families often pressure you with a sense of obligation (“But your mom will be so hurt if you aren’t there!”). So if setting boundaries and saying no are difficult at this stage in your journey, that’s very understandable. If you feel you will wind up going, then there are still things you can do to prepare yourself.
Tool kit for navigating exposure to abusive/neglectful Family
1. Boundaries
- Practice boundary setting phrases aloud at home or with a safe person
- Write out a script for yourself and carry it with you
- Meet with a therapist to explore why it is difficult to set boundaries with certain people, and how to get around the block
2. Team Mates
- Bring a safe person with you, whom you know loves or cares about you
- Have signals or safety words you can use with your safe person to let them know if you need support
3. Game Plan
- If you’re familiar with the location you’re going, go over safe spots where you can have respite and breaks
- Avoid rooms/people that are more likely to trigger you, and limit interaction time
- Have a plan in place for you long you’ll be there, what you’ll do while you’re there, and when you’ll leave.
4. Escape Plan
- Know your own limits and if something pushes you too far, be gentle with yourself and remember it’s okay to leave any time
- Drive separately or have back up transportation so you can leave when you need to
5. Create Your Own Traditions
- Sometimes it’s difficult to take space from something/someone abusive because we don’t have anything else to fill that space. It can actually be very helpful to create your own new traditions, so you have other things to look forward to and create motivation for boundaries.
How art therapy can help
Many of the above suggestions may sound difficult, and you may not feel ready to utilize them yet. Working with an art therapist can help you get through the process of healing from trauma in a lot of different ways, and become strong enough to set boundaries on your own. Metaphorically, say you wanted to become strong enough to lift 300 pounds – it would probably be helpful to work with a trainer who can help you learn how to build to that goal. Therapy is similar in that healing from trauma is a long journey that doesn’t happen overnight. We can help you to start with the smaller ‘weights’ and gain strength and confidence as you work toward the heavier ones. We utilize art in our processes, as it’s a gentle way to access things that may be difficult to process with words alone. (Ahem, no-so-fun ‘fun’ fact, trauma can make it difficult to express yourself verbally due to how it impacts your brain, especially if you’re trying to talk about the trauma. That’s why more visual or somatic processes like art can help!) We also have a strong focus on the idea of values, as learning what you value and taking steps toward those values helps motivate you to maintain your progress and set boundaries to protect them.
If you’d like help building up your strength around dealing with childhood trauma, emotional neglect, abusive family members, or any other topic that’s making it difficult to get through the holidays, please go ahead and reach out to us! We’re here to listen and help you build up your strength! (Mentally and emotionally anyway, we aren’t so great at actual physical weight lifting). Anyway, if it’s psychological weight, we got you! Stay strong and deck those halls before they deck you!
Sarah Maynard, LCAT is licensed in New York State as a creative arts therapist. She has a MS from Nazareth College in creative arts therapy and has been practicing art-based psychotherapy since 2016.
Sarah works with teens and adults at our Pittsford, NY studio with a specialization in developmental and interpersonal trauma, life transitions, and neurodivergence.