When people think of childhood trauma they often think of physical abuse or a specific traumatic event like a death. Many wouldn’t consider childhood emotional neglect as a type of abuse, but studies have shown that emotional neglect can have just as severe an impact as physical deprivation. It is common for adults to not even realize that they were emotionally neglected by their parents until reading about it or speaking to a therapist or another emotional mature adult.
Emotionally immature parents are parents that are lacking emotional intelligence and regulation skills and continually refuse (directly or indirectly) emotional intimacy with their children. They are typically avoidant of emotions, defensive, and are often unaware or unconcerned about their children’s needs. Attempts that the child makes to connect with their parent is often rejected leaving the child to feel unseen, alone, and confused.
Not having emotional security through childhood can have many negative long term effects including: loneliness, isolation, lack of confidence, low self-worth, fear of rejection, anxiety, depression, and difficulty connecting with others.
Signs you grew up with emotionally immature parents
It can be hard to identify emotionally immature parents because they often fit into the “good enough” parent role. They may have taken care of physical and financial needs as well as general safety, appearing to be a healthy parent. Children also have no way of knowing that their parents are not fulfilling their emotional needs as they generally don’t have anything to compare their experiences with.
Signs your parent may be emotionally immature:
- They overreacted to minor things
- They came to you for emotional support, or you were expected to manage their emotions.
- They were inconsistent in how they showed up for you
- They were quick to get defensive
- They were unreceptive to new ideas
- They rarely apologized
- Their emotions impacted the entire household
Signs you may have grown up with emotionally immature parents.
- You have felt emotional loneliness for your entire life.
- You find interacting with your parents emotionally draining
- You have trouble connecting with people, expressing your emotions, and determining your needs.
- You felt like you were taking care of yourself from a young age. You may have been labeled as independent or self-sufficient.
- You are “high-functioning” and feel like you should be happy
- You adopt a role when around family instead of being your authentic self
- You are a people pleaser, self-sacrificing, and feel responsible for other peoples emotions
how art therapy can help
Art is a great way to explore and express emotions, especially if you struggle to find the right words to describe what you are feeling. Art therapy is a perfect medium for adult children of emotionally immature parents because it is a non-verbal way to express yourself. Therapy is a safe space to explore those emotions without fear of rejection. Art is also a form of play and can be a good way to access and care for our inner-child that was neglected.
Many adult children who grew up in emotionally immature families have developed roles they play in order to feel safe and secure in their family. This role may differ from your true authentic self. In addition, if your parents didn’t take the time to get to know you, you may not have truly gotten to know yourself. Art-making can help you explore identity and authenticity. Art-journaling, collage, and self-portraits are just a few examples of how art can be used to explore identity.
Typical assertive communication techniques often do not work with emotionally immature parents and they will resist repairing relationships. Repeatedly trying to connect with someone who is incapable of emotional connection can be extremely frustrating and isolating. Accepting that your parents are likely not going to change and will not respect your boundaries allows you to change your relationship with them. Relinquishing your need for their emotional acceptance can be extremely freeing, but may also bring up difficult emotions that a therapist can help you work through. A therapist can help you with your emotionally immature parents by helping set realistic expectations and teach techniques such as enforcing boundaries, grey-rocking, self-compassion, observing instead of engaging, and others.
If you would like to learn more about emotionally immature parents, check out Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, Or Self-Involved Parents by Lindsay Gibson PsyD.
Sydney Dlhopolsky, LCAT-P is working under a limited permit for creative arts therapy in New York State and is under supervision. They have a MS in creative arts therapy from Nazareth College and have been practicing art-based psychotherapy since 2025. They currently see clients at Spotted Rabbit’s Pittsford, NY studio.
Sydney specializes in working with adults who have experienced emotional neglect and other complex trauma. They also focus on LGBTQIA+ issues and gender affirming care, neurodivergence and anxiety/depression for teens and adults.