I come to you as a humble recovering “people pleaser” myself. You might be wondering, “how do I know if I am a people pleaser?” Well, do you find yourself doing any of the following?
- Feeling that it is your responsibility to make others happy at the expense of your own needs, desires, and values.
- Saying “yes” whenever someone asks you to do something for them, even if you are unable/do not want to do it.
- Constantly saying you’re sorry (even when you did nothing wrong!).
- Forgiving someone when they offend you because you don’t want to offend them, even if their actions harmed you.
- Agreeing with everything that people say, not because you actually agree with them, but rather because you want them to approve of you/want to avoid upsetting anyone.
“When you stop living your life based on what others think of you, real life begins. At that moment, you will finally see the door of self-acceptance opened.” Shannon L. Adler
People pleasers tend to avoid conflict and/or attend to others in a way that is often at their own expense. Gosh, it is exhausting right?! I feel burnt out just thinking about it! Yet we still try to please everyone, resulting in feelings of unhappiness, resentment, and a loss of personal integrity. So what are some reasons why we might do this even if it can be unhealthy?
It can contribute to meeting our basic human needs
These needs include, but are not limited to, the following: feeling good about ourselves, being needed, social belonging, and avoiding pain/conflict.
It can stem from your personality traits
Another common source of people pleasing is that it can be a natural consequence of common personality traits like being empathetic, compassionate, and helpful.
Life experiences can influence how you interact with others
- When you were a child, a parent or authority figure (ex. teacher) may have praised you when you behaved in a way they perceived to be “right.” They also may have punished you when you behaved in a way they perceived to be “wrong.” It’s possible that you generalized these interactions to draw conclusions about the world around you.
- If you were neglected and/or bullied as a child, it is possible that your upbringing influenced your tendency to please others. Due to these experiences, you may have been conditioned to believe that your wants are not important, resulting in you tending to everyone else’s needs at the expense of your own.
- People-pleasing can come from childhood trauma and abuse, where pleasing others was a survival mechanism and trauma response. This response is often referred to as the “fawn response.” This occurs when someone prioritizes the needs of others in order to maintain a safe environment and avoid conflict.
Societal Messages do not help either! Below are some myths that impact people pleasing
- “Your self-sacrifice will result in you being more loved.”
- “Boundaries and needs are selfish.”
- “If you show people who you really are, they won’t like you.”
What are some ways therapy can help?
Therapy is a non-judgemental and empathetic space where your needs are prioritized, you can gain personal insight and process past hurts, build self-respect, and practice boundary-setting skills.
Some helpful therapeutic approaches include Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). ACT and CBT support individuals in accepting their thoughts and feelings, and recognizing and challenging the unhelpful thought patterns that lead to people-pleasing tendencies. For instance, this might be the belief that you are not allowed to take up space with your needs and emotions. Approaches like CBT can also build healthy communication and boundary setting skills, such as practicing assertive communication skills like saying “no” without feeling shame. Setting boundaries is important because it allows us to feel less overwhelmed, fatigued, and at ease with life. Boundaries can also keep harmful people from taking advantage of us, can support developing more authentic relationships, and can foster a life that is more aligned with your values. Honoring our personal needs and values are key to our overall well-being and happiness. ACT is an approach that is especially supportive in helping people accept their feelings and behaviors while remaining committed to their values and goals.
Therapy can also help build greater self-compassion, which is how we relate to ways we treat ourselves when we believe we have failed, are inadequate, or are suffering. Self-compassion is valuable for healing and growth and numerous studies showing it is linked to improved mental health. Self-compassion can reduce harmful symptoms by lessening negative thinking, reducing avoidance of uncomfortable emotions, and improving emotional regulation skills. It is valuable to note that self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to how much you like yourself based on personal standards and comparisons to others. Even though high self-esteem can indeed be helpful, there are also some potential problems. For instance, high self-esteem sometimes requires being “special” and “above average.” Self-compassion is more about lovingly accepting our constantly changing experience of who we are, even when we feel inadequate. Self-compassion does not require feeling better than anyone else, only requiring acknowledgment of our collective and imperfect human condition.
So what now?
I hope that if you take anything from this rant of mine, its that there is value in being as kind to ourselves as we are to others. It will take lots of time and practice, but you are worth it (trust me)! Kindness towards yourself may need to start in small steps, where you might only be able to say to yourself, “I am still learning to love myself and that’s okay.” I encourage you to notice how you love others and what makes you feel loved (a hug? quality time? etc.) and trying to intentionally direct those thoughtful behaviors towards yourself. You are not bad or doing something wrong if it feels uncomfortable at first! That is totally normal, and not surprising since you may have spent most of your life facing the criticism and unfair expectations of others while also internalizing this into your own internal dialogue and way of being. The first step can be the hardest, but we at Spotted Rabbit Studio are cheering for you and believe in you! If you would like support in navigating your people pleasing tendencies with a therapist, feel free to reach out and schedule your first session with us!
Brenna Brady, LCAT is licensed in New York State as a creative arts therapist. She has a MS from Nazareth College in creative arts therapy and has been practicing art-based psychotherapy since 2023. She sees kids, teens and adults at Spotted Rabbit’s Pittsford, NY studio
Brenna specializes in strengthening self-worth and increasing self-compassion in order to improve our relationships with ourselves and others.